Help! This woody is driving me crazy

Did I get your attention?

It's been 9 months.

I haven't birthed a child.

I have a pecker.

A woodpecker, everyone.

He/she/it has a nice penthouse suite 35 feet high on the side of my house that I have no access to.  Several people ask:

Have you called an exterminator?

Have you tried to spray him with water?

Have you called the National Wildlife Reserve?

Have you connected with a contractor?

Have you tried renting a ladder?  Better yet, a cherry picker?

Have you tried calling a painter? A window washer? 

The answer to all of these questions is YES.  Short of calling the fire department, I've tried everything...really!

But my saga began one morning back in the spring of 2010. It was 4 am.  Tap. Tap. Tap. Am I dreaming?  Tap. Tap. Tap.

I looked out the window and I knew without question, I had a woodpecker. So, I put on my bathrobe, walked outside and looked up and there he was.  I turned on the hose and he took off.  Nice. I got him.

I fell back to sleep. 

Next morning.  He came back.  I continued to spray him every morning.  He liked it.  A little morning shower.  And every morning after that he came back.  My NRA friends and you know who you are would say, "shoot him."

Allow me to pull out my rambo skills and shoot him...right.  Like I have a gun handy.  So, I called the federal government for some assistance.

"Maam, you know the woodpecker is an endangered species? You will be fined if you shoot it or perform violent acts to them."

Oh great. I pounded on the wall to scare him.  Ha!  He was a smart one. I've learned since then, it was his mating call.  I probably was the one he was courting. Oh and by the way, No, I don't have bugs in my house like several have commented. 

I was able to have a contractor fix the inside of the hole but no one has a ladder to fix the outside with the the steep incline.  All summer I watched the hole get bigger.  And then he left.  Snow came early and other than the hole in the side of the house, all was calm.

That was until five weeks ago.  Enter, baby Woody.  Yes, it's a baby woodpecker.  Same spot. You have spawned.  

I've called friends. No luck.  I've called neighbors.  No luck.  

I had to take this one on myself.  

Enter, Harold at the General Store.  He's taken out several living items in his time, I can tell.  I walked up to the gun counter. Purchased a BB gun and learned how to shoot it.  

I've gone crazy.  The BB gun is still in the box, hasn't been used  and Woody hasn't returned.  KNOCK or TAP on wood.  Maybe all I needed to do was use my nagi and the power of the mind to scare him.  Thank you Karate Kid.

I still need my siding fixed so if you have a 35 foot ladder or a cherry picker...I could use your help.